HRM Barbie

14 04 2007

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited – Edition Barbie dolls specifically for the Halifax Regional Municipality:

Eaglewood Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at stores on Dresden Row. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired dog named Honey, and a fully mortgaged house. Available with or without tummy tuck, boob job and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Bedford Barbie:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included. Headset sold separately.

Spryfield Barbie:
This recently paroled, tattooed & pierced Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Williamswood forest ready, lifted Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop; then,
we don’t know what you’re talking about!

Enfield Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans, two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has an eight-pack of Keith’s and a Minglewood CD. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a free admission to Scotia Speedworld.

Shore Drive Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the boat house (Percocet prescription available).

Lower Sackville Barbie:
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Enfield Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Quinpool Road Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight, brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Quinpool Road Barbie’s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a coupon for a free wheat-grass smoothie at any Great Ocean health food store.

Uniacke Square Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’89 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Credit cards are not available for Uniacke Square Barbie or Gangsta Ken.

Cole Harbor Barbie:
This Barbie comes with a 1984 Trans Am with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pick up truck loaded 10 feet high with recyclable’s rescued from Blue Bags.

South End Barbie:
Not available until after Labor Day as summer is spent at the second home on the South Shore. This model is all about the accessories: Mercedes and BMW, two large but stupid dogs, two attractive but stupid kids. Husband/Lawyer Ken known to occasionally visit Uniacke Square Barbie.

Spring Garden Road Barbie/Ken:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts. Bonus: free rainbow flag with proof of purchase sticker along with valuable discount coupons for Venus Envy Bookstore.

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